The Cry of Pain
Writing is such a personal thing. Every letter a writer punches into his/her keyboard is a direct extension of who they are. Beliefs and philosophies may differ between a writer and a character, but that character has melded and become a part of the writer in an odd symbiotic collection of wills versus right that can't be ignored.
But what happens if one aspect of that amalgamation—the writer—becomes so ill he/she can't write?
I'm sick.
Really sick.
I had no idea that color of green could exist in my Crayola box let alone in my snot.
For four days straight and three sleepless nights, I have fought the most tenacious disease of my life. That includes cancer. Cancer was easy compared to this. This thing, whatever it is, has decimated me, brought me so low I didn't know I could be brought to dregs in a matter of days. I have lost 15 pounds in a week.
Check mark the square box: one of my New Year's Resolutions for 2008 finished!
Upper respiratory infection. Sinus infection. Minor ear ache in my right ear. And the worst part: a sore throat that when I swallow my own spit it feels like I am downing broken glass and razor blades.
How does that effect me? I haven't slept. When I do sleep in the three minute bursts I get before I have to swallow and be jolted back into awareness, I have paranoid dreams. I went to the MD today and they told me I don't have strep, that it's probably viral, and that I have to "man up" and take it like a man with Codeine 3 as my pain free guide.
And since I can't think clearly, I simply can't write.
It's making me quite sad. And frustrated. And that familiar pressure of my characters needing their time only grows thicker with every hour that passes.
Let this be a lesson of some sort and take what wisdom you can from this—even if it is that Codeine 3 is good. Life intervenes, sometimes drastically, and one's writing can be thrown into disarray faster than Lindsay Lohan and her sobriety. But it is important that while these problems may arise, it is important to spend time with those problems, get them fixed, and then sit right back in the chair and write. I've read so many people starting a book and then life pulls them away and they never return.
Don't let that be you. It won't be me.
Now that I am done with my diatribe and self-peptalk to keep focused on my project despite wanting to die, a bit of news. I have uploaded the PDF version of the Prologue. It looks a bit purtier than the HTML version I put up, but both work.
And today should have been the end of Chapter Five. But due to the illness I have only written a page of actual writing and the rest of it is outlined heavily. My Cardinal's name is Cardinal Cormac Pell O'Connor. Maybe when I can get back into the seat with coherent thought, I will be able to finish it. Terry Brooks threw the gauntlet at me five days ago, asking me if I am going to keep pace with him while he writes his new Landover book. I have some serious ground to pick up now.
One last thing: Thank you to everyone who read my Prologue and posted your thoughts on it. You all helped me improve it. I just sent it to Terry tonight; he asked for it so I gave it. We'll see what he thinks.
Now, let's see if I can fall asleep tonight and stay that way for 15 hours.
But what happens if one aspect of that amalgamation—the writer—becomes so ill he/she can't write?
I'm sick.
Really sick.
I had no idea that color of green could exist in my Crayola box let alone in my snot.
For four days straight and three sleepless nights, I have fought the most tenacious disease of my life. That includes cancer. Cancer was easy compared to this. This thing, whatever it is, has decimated me, brought me so low I didn't know I could be brought to dregs in a matter of days. I have lost 15 pounds in a week.
Check mark the square box: one of my New Year's Resolutions for 2008 finished!
Upper respiratory infection. Sinus infection. Minor ear ache in my right ear. And the worst part: a sore throat that when I swallow my own spit it feels like I am downing broken glass and razor blades.
How does that effect me? I haven't slept. When I do sleep in the three minute bursts I get before I have to swallow and be jolted back into awareness, I have paranoid dreams. I went to the MD today and they told me I don't have strep, that it's probably viral, and that I have to "man up" and take it like a man with Codeine 3 as my pain free guide.
And since I can't think clearly, I simply can't write.
It's making me quite sad. And frustrated. And that familiar pressure of my characters needing their time only grows thicker with every hour that passes.
Let this be a lesson of some sort and take what wisdom you can from this—even if it is that Codeine 3 is good. Life intervenes, sometimes drastically, and one's writing can be thrown into disarray faster than Lindsay Lohan and her sobriety. But it is important that while these problems may arise, it is important to spend time with those problems, get them fixed, and then sit right back in the chair and write. I've read so many people starting a book and then life pulls them away and they never return.
Don't let that be you. It won't be me.
Now that I am done with my diatribe and self-peptalk to keep focused on my project despite wanting to die, a bit of news. I have uploaded the PDF version of the Prologue. It looks a bit purtier than the HTML version I put up, but both work.
And today should have been the end of Chapter Five. But due to the illness I have only written a page of actual writing and the rest of it is outlined heavily. My Cardinal's name is Cardinal Cormac Pell O'Connor. Maybe when I can get back into the seat with coherent thought, I will be able to finish it. Terry Brooks threw the gauntlet at me five days ago, asking me if I am going to keep pace with him while he writes his new Landover book. I have some serious ground to pick up now.
One last thing: Thank you to everyone who read my Prologue and posted your thoughts on it. You all helped me improve it. I just sent it to Terry tonight; he asked for it so I gave it. We'll see what he thinks.
Now, let's see if I can fall asleep tonight and stay that way for 15 hours.
Labels: Craft
posted by Shawn C. Speakman | 8:15 PM
9 Comments:
Very big hugs sent to you Shawn. I am sorry you are so sick. :( It is no fun at all. But, good for you for at least having a teeny bit of humor over the entire ordeal.
You are right though, take your time and recover. The writing will surely be there when you return, Codeine 3 no more. :) At least you have some drugs that work. ;) Imagine going this drug free (or at least any drugs that actually help). Death seems a far more appealing alternative at this point for myself. Sigh....
Is it February yet? LOL
Have a good weekend!
Seri: The amusing thing is, the resident MD didn't want to give me anything. She told me to go buy Sudafed and theuraflu and just ride it out, even after I told her I was literally overdosing on ibuprofen and it did nothing to take the edge off the pain.
When her overseeing MD came in to do the second look, I asked, "What happens if tonight I'm still not better and I continue to not be able to sleep due to the pain. How long do I take this?"
He looked at me cross-eyed and asked, "Are you the guy who is taking 1500mg of ibuprofen a time?"
I nodded.
"Yeah, stop that," he said. "If you are taking that much and it isn't helping, you need something a bit stronger."
Why couldn't that resident understand that? It's common sense if I am taking that much ibuprofen -- a dose large enough to kill large cats -- and nothing is happening that I need something stronger.
At least last night I slept in couple hour blocks. The Codeine 3 helped a great deal. It definitely numbed the pain. And I feel a bit better today. But the sore throat is still there. I just have to hope it will all clear up.
Because I don't want to have to go back in there like a drug addict and ask for something stronger.
I hope you feel better, Seri! Whatever it is you have sounds a lot like what I have. Hope you laze around like I am doing...
Sorry to hear you're so sick, Shawn. Having gotten my fair share of respiratory infections, I definitely feel for ya man. Sometimes it's ridiculous how doctors are so adamant about not prescribing anything. Many times, I've been told something is viral because they didn't really know what it was and didn't want to prescribe anything, and then it got drastically worse. By the time they realized it wasn't viral, it was too late to fix it quickly, and what should've been a couple weeks of illness ballooned into several months. Seems like that should count as a violation of the Hippocratic, haha.
Try to rest up, so that you can back to writing soon, and drink as much fluid as your sore throat will allow you to. In the meantime, even though you can't write, can you record yourself talking out ideas into a tape recorder so you don't forget it, and take it down on paper later?
Oh yeah, and don't worry about feeling like a drug addict. Just get nag them until they get you something better. You deserve it :)
Sean:
Its nice to hear that you are sick. What sean, why would you say such a thing? Well, I come in here and check up on the website somewhat frequently and I've been meaning to offer this advice (and if it goes against what you are comfortable doing than completely disregard it)
I'm sorry that you are sick, but its nice to hear something from your life outside of where you stand on your books and what chapter you have just wrote. I wouldn't expect you to update us on your relationships or other intimately personal aspects of your life, but it would be enlightening to hear a little more of whats going on, or your thoughts on some of what you're doing. What you like about the direction of your new design on the website, how you feel about song of the fell hammer now that you are more removed from it? does the unfinished storyline bother you? (and i know it does, haha, even without you having ever mentioned it) Basically, it would be nice if you sprinkled in more thoughts and opinions on occurances other than your latest finished chapter--while of course continuing your frequent updates on dagda--the benefit of this could be two fold. 1--it would make the website more entertaining, while maintaining the informative properties. 2--i have noticed that you use this site as a marketing tool, and smartly so, i think if we could get to know you a little better throughout it, you would have a more effective marketing tool.
I'll use an example from my own life. (I've mentioned Patrick Rothfuss on this sight once or twice, and i'll stop after this, haha, but its necessary for my point.) I read on all the websites what a great book Name of the wind was (that and Lies of Locklamore--which i was severly disappointed with) I visited Pat's website and after reading back thru most of his blogs i thought, that is a funny man. i couldn't imagine that he could write something i didn't like, and thought to myself, if i lived in wisconsin i would definitely want to hang out with him....so i ran out and bought the book and really enjoyed it.
well, just one mans weekend rambling.
P.S. I love that you allow us all such accessability. it'll be sad, once you hit the bigtime you'll no longer be able to answer to all of our comments individual.
Eric: Thanks for the well wishes. I know you know exactly what I am talking about. Unfortunately, inability to listen to a patient runs rampant throughout the medical field, even if it is taught in medical school. It is a long list of times I thought the resident I was speaking to -- and trust me, I was a guinea pig often due to the unique cancer I had -- had no idea what I was talking about. haha
Anonymous: If you go back in my blog, you'll see I talk about more than just my current chapter. A few days ago, I received an email from a publicist working at one of the Big Five publishers who just wished to comment how open and truthful I am, not only about the process of writing a novel but how it changes one's life.
I think the questions you ask are all good ones, and all of them but one I've answered -- elsewhere, mostly on Terry's forum. My ex told me I should move those posts over to this one, but I guess I am lazy. haha And it came back to bite me.
The one I haven't answered, of course, is how I feel about my new redesign. And I've been giving that topic some thought for a much longer post about the importance of marketability using the internet.
But I will certainly try to bring a more personal touch to the blog. As I said earlier, I am one of the most open people you'll ever meet. Who would just throw out there that they had cancer? Just like Pat, I have a lot to say. And I know that because when Pat and I got together we could have stayed up for days talking I bet.
The thing I am frightened of, however, is this: if I post many of the things I do in conjunction to my writing life, it may sound like I am bragging. I have many writer friends... real friends. I'm already tagged with being "arrogant" and "gloating" about the life I've built for myself. It's such a hard line to walk.
But I will try to walk it. I've been thinking since I finished the redesign that I would become a bit more active in the fantasy/sci-fi blogosphere. We'll see if time will allow for that.
And remember this: If you ever have any questions, please feel free to write me and ask. I'll post the question and my answer. I can't read minds when it comes to what my prospective readers might want me to talk about.
And on that note, tomorrow I'll take the questions you asked and tackle them here on this blog.
Definitely, thanks for the feedback. Only through feedback can I get a better grip of what you all are looking for.
*hugs* you're in my prayers, Shawn. Hope you get better soon, sounds like a nasty flue indeed :(
*sends strong healthy get well thoughts your way*
Hey, you and I have the same snot! That's great.
Finally went to the Doc on Saturday - got some Codine and some Antibiotics. Feeling better already. Hope you are too!
Kind wishes man, hope you feel better.
-Mark
PS Please tell me you weren't so sick you missed the 'Hawks on Saturday? ;)
IncubusJax: I watched it on television. I even screamed a bit, and that's when I knew I was getting better.
I hope you are feeling better. My MD didn't want to give me antibiotics despite it being obvious I had an infection. Even if it started off as a viral infection, it obviously went to bacterially through another means. Oh well. That which does not kills us makes us uglier.
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